I don’t really like blogging nowadays, and it’s probably because I’m in a different time in my life.
But I think not having the time to think much about my life has got something to do with it too.
Anyway, I was reading someone’s blog and as much as I treasure my experiences, I feel somehow shortchanged. By whom or what, I don’t know exactly.
Perhaps it’s the way I was brought up as well. And The way I was as a kid. Never wanting to study. And my parents not really knowing better in handling me.
These past 5 years or so have been some sort of awakening for me. And I feel like I’ve had an extremely sharp learning curve, to catch up on what I didn’t learn/know before.
And somehow at times I feel like kicking myself for not knowing better, for not doing better, for not wanting bigger things at a younger age.
But at the same time, I know that given what I went through and the circumstances at the time, I did the best I could. Without those years, I wouldn’t be the me that I am now. BUT. I somehow feel like I made my choices with only limited information.
During my teens, and in an attempt to keep me close by (and away from ‘bad influences’), I was always told about the things I should want i.e. being close to God, being religious. Because it was the best way to go.
‘Serve God, and He’ll not shortchange you. He will give you the best results.’
And that meant even if I had to sacrifice a lot of my study time for the things of God. well it worked okay when I was doing my first degree. Didn’t work fine AT ALL for my law degree.
I bought in to it, because I grew up in a Christian home and despised the things that apparently were not of God because it ruined my family.
Then after I found myself. I found the middle ground. And all the grey areas that makes my head spin.
life is not so simple sometimes.
A part of me feels like I’ve wasted my time in church. And I shouldn’t have believed so many of the things I did before.
I want to be so much more.
I’m leaving this all behind.
2 Comments
September 28, 2008 at 12:40 am
hey liz sorry but what do you mean by you’re leaving this all behind?
September 29, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Being so much more does not necessarily mean God is out of the picture. Perhaps not the god you grew up with though – not the god of organised religion, not the god of judgmental Christians, not the god who hides behind the excuses of men; but the God who is of justice, wisdom, love and grace and most importantly, One whose heart, hopefully, yours beats to.
I hope you enjoy the ride ahead, sweets. And it cannot get more apt than this – Godspeed.