My grandma in Perth just passed away.

cya in a week.

I don’t really like blogging nowadays, and it’s probably because I’m in a different time in my life.

But I think not having the time to think much about my life has got something to do with it too.

Anyway, I was reading someone’s blog and as much as I treasure my experiences, I feel somehow shortchanged. By whom or what, I don’t know exactly.

Perhaps it’s the way I was brought up as well. And The way I was as a kid. Never wanting to study. And my parents not really knowing better in handling me.

These past 5 years or so have been some sort of awakening for me. And I feel like I’ve had an extremely sharp learning curve, to catch up on what I didn’t learn/know before.

And somehow at times I feel like kicking myself for not knowing better, for not doing better, for not wanting bigger things at a younger age.

But at the same time, I know that given what I went through and the circumstances at the time, I did the best I could. Without those years, I wouldn’t be the me that I am now. BUT. I somehow feel like I made my choices with only limited information.

During my teens, and in an attempt to keep me close by (and away from ‘bad influences’), I was always told about the things I should want i.e. being close to God, being religious. Because it was the best way to go.

‘Serve God, and He’ll not shortchange you. He will give you the best results.’

And that meant even if I had to sacrifice a lot of my study time for the things of God. well it worked okay when I was doing my first degree. Didn’t work fine AT ALL for my law degree.

I bought in to it, because I grew up in a Christian home and despised the things that apparently were not of God because it ruined my family.

Then after I found myself. I found the middle ground. And all the grey areas that makes my head spin.

life is not so simple sometimes.

A part of me feels like I’ve wasted my time in church. And I shouldn’t have believed so many of the things I did before.

I want to be so much more.

I’m leaving this all behind.

Well, I like’em enough to say I would drink them, and Barry Manilow has been such a cool study buddy

I like the happy sounds and feel of older music.

I should raid my dad’s CD collection to see if he has more Barry Manilow gems

I always get very amused when people start giving me pity looks/chats when they see that I’m alone.

See I’m usually alone in school, but I’m used to that coz I’ve had a very different schedule since I started.

And to me, I’m OKAY and even happy to be by myself, but some people don’t seem to get that.

Maybe it’s an age thing, coz I know I wasn’t that secure to sit and eat by myself when I was 21, 22.

But seriously, stop with the pity!!

I know it comes from the goodheartednessofyourheart sorta thing, but I’m sorry, it annoys me.

And, (and this part I find even more amusing), it shows me who you are.

trust is such a fragile thing.

easily broken.

but so fundamental in so many things.

my sense of trust has be warped through the events in my life.

finding that balance hasn’t been easy.

coz it’s hard. but also easy.

it’s like balancing on a tight rope that is two inches from the ground.

sometimes I’m afraid.

of what exactly, I’m not so sure.

y’know.

I usually start out growling at the exams.

Because I want to rip them apart (read: conquer them) and coz they aren’t my favourite things in the world.

Which also means I’m not usually in the best mood when exams roll around.

ritter sport rum and raisin helps.

so does coffee.

and so does liang cha.

but not today.

For some reason it felt like I hit the bottomless pit of Rock Bottom (yes it was that bad!) and I just couldn’t pick myself up.

and nothing was making me happy.

I was just somehow reduced to a patheticballofwhipped.

So in the midst of trying to understand constitutional theories, I stood up, ignored the rumbling sky, and went running.

For some reason, the irrational stress went away. and it always makes me feel better and gets me more focused when I see this house in my estate, right at the corner of this street.

see, I think it’s the perfect location for a house. the current house is old, but I always see possibilities.

and then I remember I want a house in an area like that.

Private.

a well hidden, enchanted secret.

and then.

the snapping and snarling at exams returned.

(with endorphins)

bring it.

I mentally came up with a list of things I want to do before I have to start work at the end of December.

It is extremely surreal- knowing that next semester will be my last.

But I’m not fighting it, nor am I hiding from it. Coz I feel like I’m very ready to go out and work.

I mean this is totally besides the age thing, and that this is my second degree.

Some people never want to work. and some tell me that I’ll regret this wanting to work when I start coz studying’s a lot more fun.

But y’know, I don’t think I will.

I mean sure, I’ll miss the flexibility of waking up whenever I want, skipping classes when I feel like going to test drive cars with my mother, going to town for brunch and strolling around in the late morning sun, that sort of thing.

But starting work also means starting the another chapter of my life. The beginning of the rest of my life.

And it seems as real as adulthood can get.

I don’t think everything will be easy – no, I think being an adult is hard work.

But I’m ready for it.

Sometimes, you just know when you are.

And there’s no explanation good enough to support that deep sense of calm in knowing.

And y’know, I really can’t wait

Check back soon for the list of things to do before I work.

I think, this blog has found its purpose.

I haven’t been updating – though I’ve many things to say.

It’s only simply because I know that if I start fiddling around with the blog, I’ll use up hours and hours that I don’t really have right now.

Exams are creeping up on me andIdon’tlikeitonebit.

Although I know I could use the pushing.

But why does it have to rain so much nowadays!!

It’s totally messing up my groove.

BAH.

Anyway, if anyone wanted to know, this semester has been/is an extremely punishing semester. So I’m really sorry if I haven’t been keeping in touch. I’ve just got so much to do.

At the moment, my mama’s back from Norway, although she’s leaving this coming week – it always seems to pass too quickly. And, I’ve been hiding from my work.

So now, I have to pay for it. RAAAAARR!!!!

This is where she got me to hit chikus instead of golf balls so the balls wouldn’t shatter the glass doors.

But.
well.

It didn’t turn out so well for the chikus

maybe that’s why I don’t have much to say.

it’s all such a blur to me.

And I’m still grappling with the fact that this world is imperfect.

EVEN WITH and maybe especially more so where things are supposed to be injected and immersed in supposed ‘Godly goodness’.

Somehow it hurts more when you’re let down.

But who says you’re allowed to expect more just coz?

Maybe the christianity I’ve been thought has been sugared with onetoomany fairy tales and empty promises.

I’m talking about the conduits by the way.

Not God.

But maybe I am.